Sunday, November 14, 2021

Is this thing on?

Such a cheesy title for a blog, but I guess it is appropriate, yah? Man - cobwebs in here. Does anyone even use blogger in 2021? Or even since like.. 2011? I have no idea. I sure don't. Obviously. Anyway I am obviously procrastinating doing something else that likely contains some semblance of importance, but for whatever reason (boredom) google my old iPhone game and the thread led me back to this old blog. Oh, I haven't forgotten about it - just haven't thought of it in some time. Apparently I haven't thought of it enough in the past 3 years to do so much as enter an entry. Maybe I will run outta gas before finishing this one, as well. We will see.

It seems like it was not really THAT long ago that I was pretty steady with putting these things out. Hell a decade (and change?) ago I was doing it daily, for my retrogaming blog at least. But yes I was pretty good at keeping an active blog about my life and thoughts on the game industry, indie gaming, development, Hollywood living.. all that stuff seems pretty far away now. Even with how upside down the world has (further) gotten, it still feels like it has been kind of a long time for real since it's felt important for me to have much of a voice on.. ANY of these topics. Or at least in so blowhardy a fashion. I guess I still do get active a bunch about it, be it on reddit, on a Facebook retrogaming group, and of course on twitter (THAT thing I have managed to keep pretty active, all of these years!) But otherwise I've not really felt too interested in recording my thoughts in any more concrete, long-form fashion. I might be a little sad about that, but maybe I don't care too much either. I think I just kinda get a kick out of digging up these posts myself, years down the road, and trying to gather some insight into how far I've come/where things were at in my life when I left these little milestones.

I've been very busy with everything, as usual. ALWAYS busy, that seems to be something that anyone could count on. Definitely depressed (work from home is great, but it also means that I am just home.. all.. the... time). In fact a recent trip to NYC showed me the feasibility of working mobile (I have a laptop now, yay!) and hopefully will be leaning on that notion a bit more going forward to break up the monotony. But I guess it is just too EASY to keep working in my actual home at this point, my home office is set up super-nice and cozy, got myself a standing desk, this place is very quiet and peaceful, "everything is convenient and provided for.." My job (another startup) is interesting, the people I work with are all super nice, the project is challenging and engaging. I think I am just stuck in a bit of a loop, but it's hard to feel special in that since so many other people are also suffering a similar sort of fatigue I am sure - if they are lucky, actually! Anyway, the end of the year honestly compounds everything, and I am sure that once the next phase begins I will be feeling a little refreshed.

So many things to write in here. We bought a house 2 years ago, I have given up my Hollywood life and lifestyle (largely!) for the much quieter, laid-back suburban life, yet again (it has been many years in between!) I miss city life considerably, but with the fact that downtown LA is basically a 15min drive away I feel like it is a huge saving grace. Even if it's not something I am taking advantage of all the time, it is nice to realize that it is not so far away and out of reach. Hollywood is a bit more of a haul, with the pandemic I'd spent a good long period being completely absent from that scene but likewise it isn't super-too-far away for a visit either. But it is a melancholy thing to be back there for many reasons, so it doesn't happen too much. I just don't think it meshes too well with where I am at in my life anymore; I love it, and it has been a part of me for so much of my adult life, but it feels like it was starting to get more destructive than constructive after a point.

My career has been going through some interesting changes, as noted in this blog (I guess) in the past couple of years. Specifically with my job, I'm just spending the bulk of my time doing programming, which I definitely enjoy, though I do feel my other chops are deteriorating as a result. I miss the freedom and feeling of being energized/enlightened that design work brings me, but I feel I can pour myself into that in my spare time (when I have spare time, or spare time and energy more appropriately). The thing about design is that there are endless holes to fill with it, no problem is ever perfectly solved, and it suits my personality to think in such terms. But yeah being kind of burned out prevents me from visiting those parts of my brain too much. I will say I have built up some little things here and there in the meantime, when it just HAD to get out of me, but there's a ways to go with it all before I will feel like it is not just super-frozen. I can't even say "oh I will likely release a little indie game next year" because I just KNOW that cannot be the case. It just doesn't feel like a priority, and it truly saddens me to say that. But it is hard to feel genuinely sad about it as it is a conscious decision I have made.

I have lots more I'd love to say and I really hate leaving this entry on such a dour note - things really are not bad at all in my life, in fact I have perspective on a lot of it and I feel very fortunate with how things in my life are going. I think I just need a little break and something to kick into gear. Anyway I may be sidelined a bit, but there are more good things coming! I am sure I've said these exact words in this same journal in the past, but hopefully I'll put another entry in here sooner rather than later! 3 years is too long, almost like "what is the point" long..